Hernia, insomnia, and a limerent fugue

I have not been able to

Sleep

Last night I crawled to bed

And lay there

Staring

At

The ceiling

My hernia

Would not

Let

Me

Rest

I clasped my palms over my eyes

To block out all light

But I found

My inner eye

Gazing

At

You

… As always

I swallowed some acetaminophen

—With a splash of gin—

To dull the pain

And lay myself down again

I managed to forget about the

Intestine and fat

Protruding

Through the muscle

Of my groin

—Some small relief—

But my deeper aches were not dulled!

In the darkness they were sharpened:

My one regret…

Protruding through the tissue of my thoughts

I could see

YOU

And only you…

What of my constant guilt?

Wisdom once called me

To forsake the world

And make of myself an offering

Abraham had faith enough to offer up Isaac!

He obeyed

I had only to offer myself

But

I

Held

Back…

I told myself this was

“Faithfulness”

But now I see

I was

Faithless

And

I was terrified

I might commit blasphemy

If I placed a wretched thing

(Me)

Upon your altar

You are:

A glory of creation

The archetype of humanity

Proof that God is real

And proof God is an Artist

As comforting a sound

As waves on the moonlit shore

As breathtaking a sight

As sunrise over sacred waters

As refreshing as the breeze

That glides across the living sea

A woman fully alive!

And me?

I am driftwood and knotted kelp

A broken shell,

Sharp under your heel

I am sand and rough debris

You deserve a man with a handsome soul

One who breaths peace and who moves with as much joy and beauty as you

A saint

A healer

A genius in both love and art

When I dream, I imagine he’s me

As if I could ever lay myself at your feet

And

Belong there!

I want to inhale

The presence of

God’s Greatest Masterpiece—

But could I ever?

No…

Still

I feel this terrible longing

—Sharp as ever—

To bask under your smile

I have never been good enough for you

But from the beginning you were perfect to me

And when you are old

—Taken by gums and frailty—

You will still be God’s Glory!

I keep telling myself:

Perhaps by then I may be great

And then I will finally be good enough

To prostrate myself before your altar

Ah.

The untouchable future!

I will never deserve you, not even at my

Make-believe-best

One day

I will lay dying

I will ask to be carried outside

I will

Stare

At

The sky

Then I will know:

This will be the last time I ever close my eyes

But I will close them willingly

All to stop

Staring

At

Our earth’s ceiling

And I know in the final dark

I will find

Myself:

Gazing

At

You

And

Falling

Into

You

My impossible dream,

But the only one I want to see

… As always