leaving

one day before i leave

and i am still calm

the butterflies are stirring

but they're still asleep

i pull clothes out

evaluate

fold

accept

reject

reaccept

pack

unpack

pack again

i take endless phone calls

from well-wishers

and answer the same questions again

and again

yes, i'm a little excited

yes, a little nervous too

i say this because i know I should be

i'm not

the butterflies still rest

four o'clock in the morning

i've not yet slept

i'm putting my friends

my family

my lover

in an album

i want to take them with me

i need to go alone

i really should sleep

the butterflies stretch out

and flap their wings

it's time to go everyone shouts

but my coat doesn't fit

and i hate all my clothes

and my bag won't shut

so i pull everything out

while my family walk out the door

i fall on my bag

and sob

and he takes my hand and tells me it's ok

closes the bag

and we go

the butterflies lurch

saying goodbye

the butterflies heave

and vomit and faint and die

my family cries

he cries

but nobody sees me cry

i run

i sit

then sob til i sleep

the butterflies are exhausted