ABCD New Member Meeting

Kagame: Gentlemen, seems like everyone is here, either in person or virtually, except for one member we are still trying to reach. As the rotating chair for this meeting, I declare it open.

Orban: I'll go first. Gentlemen, I'm honored to introduce a vetted candidate for membership in our association. You have received his resume and the list of accomplishments earlier. I trust you studied those documents. In addition, the recent events in the Middle East in particular show that he has not only achieved but also over-performed on all the criteria for our membership. I suggest we go straight to voting.

Kim Jon Un: I wouldn't rush into that yet. Let's go by our own rules and procedures. Does he have a mentor and a current member who could vouch for him?

Putin: You know perfectly well I am his mentor. I vouch for him. I'm confident our association will benefit from his membership. I'm sure a lot of current members would vouch for him as well.

Silence.

Putin: I don't see any hands. Would anyone like to vouch for our candidate here? Javier Milei perhaps, since he helped out you and your country?

Silence. Milei pretends to have a problem with the Internet connection.

Xi: I have my reservations.

Orban: Oh, really? What are they?

Xi: He doesn't seem to understand that ABCD members cannot belittle, insult, and obstruct each other. He does that to me and China all the time.

Candidate: But I only did it...

Xi: Let me remind the candidate that he cannot talk while we are discussing his membership. You are here only because your mentor used his powers to include you. Please nod if you promise to keep silent.

Candidate nods.

Putin: I think the candidate meant to say that he did it in jest, because his people expect him to be tough on China. He would never do that in your face, dear President Xi.

Candidate nods vigorously.

Xi: I understand he will not be able to apologize to me publicly but he will have to make some concessions to us in trade if he wants me to forgive him and allow for his membership in this highly esteemed club.

Candidate nods reluctantly.

Orban: Can we proceed to voting now?

Fico: Yes, please, let's wrap this up and move on to other issues.

Erdogan: New members should not rush us in this important decision. I would like to know what the candidate has read from the list of the recommended literature.

Putin: I thought he submitted his answers in the questionnaire.

Erdogan: He only listed Mein Kampf, which apparently he keeps in his nightstand. But it's an outdated book by someone who gave dictatorship a bad name. There is a reason we give everyone a list of our favorite books that helped us become benevolent dictators. Have you read Nutuk by Ataturk, for example, dear candidate?

Candidate shakes his head, writing something on paper with a Sharpie.

Erdogan: Have you read anything else on the list? I'm trying to throw you a lifeline here.

Candidate shows what he wrote, "I don't read, you all know that."

Erdogan: You could have listened to audio books...

Bukele: Now, you are just looking for some faults. Not everyone has to read about how to become a good dictator. Some people are simply natural at it, and our esteemed candidate is like that.

Candidate nods gratefully.

Netanyahu: I think we all should be grateful to the candidate that he removed one of the greatest threats to the modern world, Ayatolla.

MBS: I will not say anything about this.

Putin: I disagree with you on your threat assessment, Bibi.

Lukashenka: Me too. What if we all start killing the dictators we think are a threat to us?

Bashar al-Assad: Exactly! I narrowly escaped that fate.

Candidate scribbled vigorously, "Why is he here? I thought ABCD is for current dictators only."

Modi: The ABCD rules clearly state that once you are a member, you are a member for life. Have you not read the ABCD Bylaws either?

Candidate shoots him a hateful look.

Bolsonaro: ABCD membership is the only thing that keeps me alive.

Candidate: How is he here in this meeting from prison?

Bolsonaro: I'm on house arrest, not in prison.

Xi: That's it, the candidate broke his promise to keep silent. I suggest we move to voting.

Putin: I second that.

Kagame: All right, let's vote. Members, please submit your votes to the secure line in Signal.

Everyone votes.

Kagame: We have a tie, gentlemen, nine votes for and nine - against.

Candidate: Who are the nine who voted against, I would like to know?

Xi: Why? So that you bomb them into the oblivion?

Candidate: No, but I would like to ask them what they have against me.

Putin: It doesn't really matter at this point, we need to think how to proceed further.

Tokayev: I guess we will have to bring in a tie-breaker. There's only one member who is not yet present today.

Kagame: Seems we have managed to establish the connection, he is being briefed on the issue right now. Oh, finally, we can see him!

Maduro: I object!

Trump: What??? I can't be a member of the dictator club because of someone I captured and jailed? Can you believe this? I hate it here! Who can I appeal this to?

Kagame: Candidate Trump, there's no authority within or higher than ABCD to appeal this decision to. However, you can reapply for membership one year from today, if you show commitment and improvements in your actions...

Trump disconnects from the meeting angrily, "A whole f*cking year! I may not even last that long! I need to call Vlad and find out who were the losers who voted against me. No f*cking Nobel Peace Prize and now no Dictator Club membership! So unfair!"