Why we ignore red flags.

I think we have all been told to run at the first red flag. If not, we’ve learnt that we should. To not give anyone more room than necessary to prove to us how not right they are for us. So why do we?

Truth is, we rarely never see the red flags. We either subconsciously or consciously ignore them. Nine times out of ten we notice the signs from the beginning. The inconsistencies, the discomfort, and everything else that just doesn’t sit quite right. But awareness isn’t what’s important, it’s what we choose to do after. And many of us are guilty of choosing to stay instead of walking away.

One of the many reasons we do this is because we often confuse potential with reality. We make excuses with the hopes that something will change, ignoring the endless pattern of behaviour that inevitably takes place. And it’s not that we don’t know any better, we just sometimes become overly attached to the idea of what could be than to face the truth of what actually is.

We grow up hearing that relationships take work and that love isn’t easy, and vice versa. Therefore, we tend to romanticise struggle. When things start getting painful, difficult or having mixed signals, we see it as something familiar and don’t instead see it as a sign to leave. You convince yourself over and over that a change you yourself cannot guarantee is coming.

Emotional attachment and the fear of starting over often also play big roles in why we decisively ignore red flags. The thought of walking away makes us think about all the effort we put in, the lost invested time and the vulnerability that we showed. So it’s easier to stay than to step into the unknown. To open yourself up all over again. To have to learn the good and bad things of yet another stranger. To await more red flags…

But there is also the issue of self-doubt. Many of us are still finding ourselves, especially in our twenties. We’re learning to find solitude and love within ourselves before others. We’re still figuring out our boundaries, standards and identity and don’t fully understand our worth, so we end up tolerating what we don’t deserve. We don’t decide nor do we ask ourselves the right questions. We just hope.

Eventually though, we learn. But not without consequences. Not without having the epiphany that the person in front of us isn’t going to change. What we ignored before isn’t excusable anymore. We then start to understand what aligns with us, and begin to keep around only those that impact us positively. We stop overthinking about whether or not we’re being too sensitive, too demanding or expecting too much. Whether we’re overreacting or misinterpreting things. All questions one would endlessly ask themselves in the wrong relationship that could cause internal conflict.

Ignoring red flags doesn’t make them disappear, but rather just prolongs what you already know you should or will have to confront, and acting on them instead of just paying attention is where your real growth begins. Choosing yourself is more important than holding onto something that doesn’t water you. The clarity you need is always in how something originally makes you feel. Delaying doesn’t protect you, it only costs you your confidence, time and self.

As we grow, let’s learn to not let walking away from what’s clearly wrong for us feel like the end of all, but rather as moments of trusting ourselves and pushing toward better things and relationships. To let recognising red flags become a first instinct and do better at acknowledging them rather than softening.