PACO Calling TACO - 12

This conversation happened on April 7, after Trump announced a two-week delay on his "a whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again" threat. And an October 2025 call between Orban and Putin got leaked to the press.

"Hello, Donnie?"

"Hello, Vlad" [cheerful]

"You seem to be happy."

"Of course I am. I've won!"

"What exactly did you win, Donnie?"

"Well, I've got a two-week ceasefire from Iran, and the strait is now open, oil will start flowing again, and after two weeks we'll see what happens."

"I'll tell you what happens, Donnie: You pretend to have won the war, declare it over while Iran in fact will have the sanctions lifted and milk every vessel going through the strait for millions of dollars."

"That will never happen, Vlad."

"Why, Donnie?"

"Because we are negotiating. And I'm the best negotiator in the whole world. I'll get what I need out of them. We are negotiating, Vlad."

"You don't understand who you are dealing with, Donnie. Not only you didn't achieve the regime change in Iran or remove it as the threat for Israel, the regime there now got fresh blood and is even more entrenched. They are not going to back down for you."

"How do you know that, Vlad?"

"Jeez, Donnie, only from the entire three-thousand-year history of the Persian civilization which you so recklessly promised to unalive, as kids say these days. They've survived and outsmarted some of the most brilliant military strategists in the world."

"Well, they've never had to deal with me before, have they?"

"OMG, Donnie the chutzpah on you! No wonder some people think you are the best con artist in the world. Don't hang out with Bibi too much."

"First of all, I'm not a con artist. I just manifest. I can make anything happen if I really want it to happen and put my mind to it. I manifest and weave. Have you heard of weaving, Vlad? That's what I do. Second, I haven't seen Bibi in a while."

"Have you ever tried to manifest better hair, Donnie?"

"Oh, that's such a low blow, Vlad. Such a low blow. I didn't expect that from you. Didn't expect it at all."

"Sorry, Donnie, but I think you overestimate your power of manifesting."

"No, I don't. And you know exactly what I mean, when I say manifest. Not hair, I manifest what is beneficial for me. And my country. And I would have done so much more if certain people and courts didn't obstruct. Too much obstruction..."

"Alright, Donnie, you can believe whatever you want but you can't deny that you are playing Bibi's game against Iran. You are just doing his dirty job, and not very well at that."

"No, Vlad, it's not Bibi's war. It a holy war, as my Evangelicals tell me. It's a holy war for the Second Coming."

"Oh c'mon, Donnie, don't give me this religious crap. Although I have to applaud your Secretary Kegseth for telling such a nice fable about your military pilot saved on Easter. He is an excellent storyteller."

"What did you just call him? Kegseth? That's actually very funny, Vlad, are you trying to compete with me in name-calling?"

"Can't take credit for that, Donnie. The whole world is calling him that."

"Really? I never knew that."

"Of course you didn't, how would you? Anyway, coming back to Iran, Donnie, sometimes I wonder if I should have declared a war on you and win it so that you lifted the sanctions off Russia."

"They are not getting their sanctions lifted, Vlad."

"Let's come back to this in two weeks, Donnie."

"I'm telling you, I'll win. Wait, Vlad, seriously, you think you could have started a war on me while you are still at war with Ukraine?"

"Let's not get into hypotheticals, Donnie. I actually have another very urgent concern."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"Have you seen that someone leaked my October conversation with Orban?"

"Not yet, what's in it?"

"Well, he said he was at my service and would do anything for me."

"Isn't it true? I'm so happy when he says that to me."

"Well yes, but I'm afraid that because of this f*cking leak he will lose the election and I will lose my main man in Europe."

"I wouldn't worry about that, Vlad."

"Really? Why?"

"Orban is smart, he made it impossible for any other party but his to win the election. He'll win, you'll see. Besides, I sent JD Vance there to help. Everybody loves him, people will listen to him."

"That's another point of concern for me, Donnie."

"Really, why?"

"Because no one actually likes JD. I don't know where you got that everybody loves him, but people in Europe actually really hate him."

"Oh really? Why?"

"Because he killed the Pope, Donnie!"

"Oh c'mon, Vlad, you know that's not true."

"I actually don't, Donnie." [dead serious]

"Oh, you are not joking?"

"Not at all, Donnie. JD is a dark horse, I'm afraid to think of all the powerful forces behind him. I'd be very careful with him if I were you, Donnie."

"Hmm, this is scary, Vlad, you really think so?"

"I didn't mean to scare you, Donnie, I'm sorry. Have to go now, bye!"

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "Hmm, JD a dark horse? Who would have ever thought?"